i'm still doing a lot of reading online but i'm anxious for someone to start teaching me. i'm so excited because i actually do want to learn. i know i have so much to learn. i also want to learn how to write with so much feeling that Y/you feel like Y/you're actually there. i have seen some beautifully well worded and thought out actions described in full detail. it's so moving to see. *smiles it's like living some fantasy out of a Harlequin romance novel *winks
on Wednesday night i was supposed to participate in a study group but it did not happen. Lord Alloces was not well. i was worried because i took a nap and when i woke up it was after 8pm. i thought i was late. When i spoke to ammie she told me Lord Alloces was not feeling very well. i hope i can acquire some patience while i'm learning. *laughs i feel like one of those bouncy jumping beans just rearing to go.
ooooh the other night while playing music in dungeons 2 i had a request for "Nights in White Satin" by the Moody Blues. i didn't realize i had heard it before until i downloaded it from bearshare and omg i have fallen in love with this song.... *giggles this song is so dramatic and theatrically performed i understand why people love it so. and oh i have heard it before. it's the same thing for me with many songs i know a lot of them once i hear them. i might not remember the name of the song or who performs it but once i hear it and recognize it i'm all smiles. it's funny how music does that to me. i don't just find myself paying attention to the beat and the music but the lyrics. the lyrics of a song always seem to hit a spot in my soul, heart and mind. and no matter what's going on at that point i just drift away with the song. my soul, heart and mind just take flight and leave...... *smiles it's such a wondrous feeling how music can make you feel.
when i was first hospitalized for a suicide attempt in 1993 at Castle Hospital *smiles and laughs at the irony at the hospital's name..... we did music therapy and music really made me feel good inside. laughing at the memory of my favorite songs back then to sing when we had music therapy.... "You Are My Sunshine" and "Yellow Bird"
i always thought about a friend of mine i met in the hospital when i'd hear or sing "You Are My Sunshine." Raylene Quinones her street name was "Sunshine" i liked her a lot she was funny always up to something. one time her and i got a pass to go to fill out papers to apply for assistance at the welfare office in Kaneohe. however Sunshine had other plans and me being me went along with her.
Sunshine had asthma and reminded me of my friend Megan. not just with that but her behavior. i admired those qualities in them and wished i was like that instead of shy and awkward.
instead of on a bus to Kaneohe we were on a bus heading to downtown Honolulu. when we got to bishop and hotel street we got off and i followed Sunshine downtown. this was my first experience downtown like this, Sunshine said we wouldn't be long she just wanted to get her stuff then we could go back.
i followed her around downtown Honolulu and if you know anything about downtown Honolulu, especially Hotel Street you know it's infamous for prostitutes and drugs. i learnt a lot about Sunshine in that short time with her but nothing she did changed my mind about her i still loved her.
we were walking along river street when she approached this elderly gentleman. she asked me to drop back a few so she could talk to him alone so i did. while we were still walking she kept on telling the gentleman to give me the money and he kept refusing. then they came across a building that was under construction and Sunshine had me wait outside for her while she and this gentleman went inside this building. in a few minutes she came running outside and told me "Come on let's get out of here!" we took off running and when she was sure we were ok we headed towards hotel street. i'm not sure what Sunshine did or didn't do to that gentleman she didn't say. and i never asked her.
when we got close to this bus stop on hotel street Sunshine told me to just sit down at the bus stop and wait for her there that she had to go talk to some people about her stuff we came to get. also she told me we wouldn't be here long cause someone was after her for 40 papers she was supposed to sell and that they wanted their money and if she didn't get it for them they were going to shoot her. Least to say i was scared. She had some friends at the bus stop look out for me.
it was quite an eye awakening experience for me. we had left Castle hospital early in the morning and i had sat outside this bus stop for hours and hours waiting for Sunshine. i became very afraid for her and her safety. i also learned the goings on at bus stop. couldn't believe the sheltered life i lived. i watched crystal meth "ice" being sold @ this bus stop for cash and for food stamps even. and i was even more surprised to know you could buy the "ice" pipes right there from the stores in Chinatown.
so around 4pm and still no sign of Sunshine i called the hospital up and told them where i was. They told me if i came back then i would not be discharged from the hospital as long as my drug tests came back clean. So you better believe i got on the next available bus and headed back to Castle Hospital. i was so relieved to be back where it was safe.
Sunshine came back too I don't remember when but she was discharged when her drug tests came back positive for "ice." i felt sad for her but the counselors told me she could take care of herself and that she was streetsmart unlike myself. but it didn't stop me from crying when she had to go and feel sad for her.
after i was released from the hospital other friends and i all went downtown looking for Sunshine. after several attempts of finding her, sometimes bringing her back so she could eat, get cleaned up and get some rest, she'd always wanna go back downtown., so we realized she didn't want any help from us.
sometime later Sunshine was arrested for solicitation and possession. i wrote several letters to her while she was in jail. She told me not to feel sad for her because at least she was safe in jail, had a place to sleep, food to eat, and a chance to get clean. She called jail her home away from the streets.
i often think about Sunshine and her 2 kids. She'd told me so many stories about her daughter then 5 and her son who she nicknamed "Akebono" after the sumo wrestler cause he was chunky occasion when she was in a hotel and had a party, the morning after her 5yr old daughter would wake up and throw rice on the floor laughing at all the tweekers, pissing many off cause they'd think it was "rocks" that's when Sunshine said her daughter would kick them out and when they looked at Sunshine like your gonna let her do that to us? Sunshine said you heard her "Get out!"
So yeah i still do think of Sunshine and her two kids. i hope she is well and not dead and i hope her 2 kids are happy where ever they are. Her lil girl has got to be 15 or 16 by now and her son 10 or 11. i do know that she had lost custody of her kids to Child Protective Services. so i do hope they are happy and well adjusted.
Sunshine you'll always be remembered in my heart. I wish you well Sista.
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